Icha Icha Inspiration
by Krirobe
Summary: Jiraiya has Writer's Block. How does he cure it? By observing Hinata and Sasuke's budding relationship, of course! Mysterious Fortunetellers, Voyeurism, and Nosebleeds abound in Icha Icha Inspiration!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** _Anything recognizable from the anime/manga _Naruto_ isn't mine._

**a/n:** _Enjoy!_

**ICHA ICHA INSPIRATION**

**PROLOGUE:**

_Tap taptap taptapity tap_

Jiraiya glared at the papers sprawled across his desk, at the research he gathered from his outings to the all-girls spa. Despair marked his features as he tried, one last time, to conjure up a sexy storyline.

"It's useless," cried Jiraiya once he realized his story had strayed somewhere between naked-girl-in-bathtub and pruning-girl-still-in-bathtub. Day after day for a month, he spied on females; he smelled the different perfumes they wore; he read stacks of chick-lit; he drank fruity, liquor-laced shakes instead of sake; he dressed in female lingerie, for Gamabunta's sake! Upraising his French tips in misery, he asked of the universe what more did he have to endure to find his inner Goddess of Love again.

He dragged himself out of his chair to go drink away his miseries. He sighed deeply and shuffled out of his room wallpapered in post-its of his doodles of bras. Maybe later he would ask Naruto to perform his eighty-seventh sexy-no-jutsu of the week. He pocketed two fuzzy cotton balls custom-made for his nose just in case. Naruto's jutsu can be fatal, after all, if the nosebleed isn't staunched right away. And suicide was not on Jiraiya's agenda—as of yet.

* * *

One morning, Hinata awoke to find mutated twin mosquito bites about a hand's span apart from each other, and curiously on the exact same plane as each other, on her chest. One night, more than a year after that morning, she found herself enrapt in a dream, not of Naruto's eyes, though, but in one of his hands and arms and motions. A few years after that, suddenly she realized—as she was bathing—that she had become a full-fledged woman. Stunned, she squeaked in harmony with the yellow rubber ducky she had dropped on the floor in dismay. 

She grabbed a towel and staggered to her quarters in a daze. When had she grown up? How had so many years past without her noticing, without her losing her stutter or timidity or crush—no, indescribably more than a crush—on Naruto? It was impossible! Her life had past her by and still Naruto was not by her side as she had dreamed of for so long. Still, she had not become strong or brave.

Then, as her bewilderment left her, determination not to be passive anymore set in. "I h-have to rid myself of these f-feelings. I c-c-cannot… I n-need to be a st-strong woman," Hinata said to herself.

So, as soon as she donned her clothing, she raced to her cousin Neji's door and mustered her courage to knock, blocking her fear of his cold behavior, bitterness, rampant mood swings, megalomaniacal tendencies, etc. from her mind. She slid the door open at his entreating, "Hai?"

"N-N-N-N… N-N-N… Neji-nii-san?"

"Hai, Hinata-sama? What is it that you want," he asked politely, though he remained focused on the spread of Konoha Times on the table by a pot of steaming tea.

"C-could you possibly t-tell me h-how you are so st-strong, Neji-nii-san?" Hinata stared at the ground as she poked her index fingers together nervously.

Neji turned from the paper to analyze her, and then turned back to face the sparring square, the center of the house, thoughtful. He began, "Strength stems from belief in oneself. At least, the strength you're looking for," he said cryptically. "I would suggest shedding that stance of yours that proclaims your vulnerability to the entire world." Hinata made an effort to lift her head and look straight into his white eyes. She could feel success rush through her blood as she completed the first task Neji had assigned her—until Neji completed his thought.

"That is, if I hadn't known you for years, also knowing that that's a pipe dream at this point so late in life."

Hinata let her head fall despondently.

Neji paused, took a sip of his tea, and then continued. "Actually, Hinata-sama, there may be hope."

* * *

**a/n: **

_R&R (and, no, that does not mean rest and relaxation)_

_This is a WIP, so I cannot promise quick updates. I also have a lot of school work, which will be my priority. _


	2. Mishima Mai

**Disclaimer:** Anything recognizable from Naruto does not belong to me.

**Author:** Krirobe

**A/N:** Enjoy!

**Chapter One: Mishima Mai**

The high noon sun shone brightly on Konohagakure. An outsider looking in would have remarked on the regularity of this sight if not fort he excitement stirring at the stand famous for ist delectable ramen, Konoha's number one attraction, according to the self-dubbed future hokage.

Slumped beside the stand was a gigantic pile of ill-assorted women's wear. The familiar long white hair sprouting from the top of the pile beneath a hideous leopard-print bonnet proved this author's hypothesis that there must be some living, hermit-like creature within.

Another strange sight, but not an irregular one for this town, greeted the eyes. Scratch that. Assaulted the eyes more like. A two-man Springtime of Youth parade made ist way down the smae road as where the person slumped. In this author's esteemed opinion, something was bound to happen.

The tow-man Springtime of Youth parade jarred to a stop just outside the Ichiraku Ramen establishment. Maito Gai gave a soft cry of delight as he turned to direct his enflamed-with-passion pupils toward his youthful disciple's questioning orbs. Lee asked, „Sensei, what has halted our Joyous Flood of Glorious Youth into Konoha, a desert much in need of our regenerating springs of youthful strength?"

Overcome with emotion by the end of Lee's earnest query, Gai turned the waterworks on to full blast. He flung out his arms, owled „Lee," and rapturously embraced his green-spandexed clone. Lee responded with equal rapture. Jst as the turtle emerged from the sea to carry them to sunset paradise, a snort ruptured the atmosphere, a snort that emitted from the fashion disaster squatted by the ramen stand.

Normally, a snort would not disturb them in the slightest. Their Whirlwind of Love Embrace is usually a green vortex none can force their will upon, which strikes fluffy fear and disdainful bafflement in the hearts of many. Today, though, Gai reasserted his agenda. He pulled himself away and kicked Lee in the jaw to bring them both back to a state of clear-headedness and fierce logical thinking.

Gai said, as Lee righted himself and rubbed his jaw, „I am sorry that we are not able to continue our turtle-riding sojourn to Sunset Paradise, my Awe-Inspiring Sprig of Beauty, but we have a mission of great importance." What many would consider a maniacal smile wobbled with excitement on Gai's face. „Look over there Lee and tell me what you see."

Lee looked at what his sensei pointed to. He scrunched his bushy brows together as he scrutinized the curiosity. He then dutifully answered, „An old crone much more in need of our regenerating springs than Konoha, Gai-sensei."

Gai's eyes glistened with unshed tears at Lee's precision of thought. „Exactly, Lee. We must engage her in Life, and Youth's natural glow will flow back into her sallow complexion."

Lee agreed with a nod of the head, adding, „And we should introduce her to the world of fashion, master! That bonnet does nothing for her."

Gai wondered at Lee's brilliance. „Ahhh, Lee, you are the perfect student. She will improve much wearing my own design, the aero-dynamic, life-enhancing green spandex suit!"

A resounding burp audibly laced with sake issued from the pile of tacky women's wear. The pile slurred, „Roses are red / Violets are blue / Love has forsaken me / Thus I am dead... DRUNK!"

Gai spread his legs apart, turned sideways so that the light hit his shiny helmet hair just so, and vowed, „We will provide you with Love, Old Hag!" Lee gave the Nice Guy smile beside his role model. Golden sunshine streamed around their twin green spandex clad bodies, highlighting them so that Nobility, Honor, Chivalry, Everything Right And Good and Pu—

The dubbed „Old Hag" stood to full height and raised an index finger. Staggering a little, the „Old Hag" proclaimed, „No one understands, not even my orange tadpole friend with his amazing justu" –leering smile—„no one understands the desert storm raging inside me! Without the spirit of love to guide me, my work is dried up, boring! My plots fail me. The lovers are this much apart, and something blocks them from coming together. I am lost, and so is my fanbase, in the turmoil blocking me from my love potential." In the process of this speech, the „Old Hag" desperately grabbed Gai by his vest, but released him when the steam was through and slumped back to the ground with a sigh.

Meanwhile, Lee stared up in wonder as the Old Hag spoke. The wheels in his brain turned as he took in the strong jaw, whiskered face, great height, deep voice, wide girth, and impassioned words. The shocking truth gradually dawned on him. Lee realized this was not just some old hag thirsty for love, the ony relief from her loneliness a pair of cats and a plant or two. No, Lee thought, this was not just some old hag.

Gai had not come to the same conclusion, though. Gai's eyes glimmered with renewed fire. He proclaimed, „We understand. It is a challenge, but with us, you will achieve twice your love potential. Three times your love potenial!" Plots of a different kind than the one the Old Hag spoke of gleamed in his eyes.

„Uh, sensei?"

„By our side, you will spread a Wildfire of Love through the world! Yosh."

„How will you help me improve my art? Unless..." The Old Hag trailed off, and then suddenly jumped up. „Are you a hot babe in disguise?" The Old Hag leered at Gai, but actually taking Gai in, dropped back to the ground with a huff.

Gai, thinking the Old Hag meant hot _male_ babe, solemnly answered, „Although I am a well-formed specimen,"—toothy grin—„I refuse to replace the former hero of your epic ancient life until I have at the very least paid for your bowl of ramen and defended your honor from knaves and maybe exchanged saliv—„

„Sensei, I think you may have misinterpreted the situation."

„Huh? Lee, what are you talking of?"

Lee said, „This isn't any common old hag with a lack of fashion sense, sensei. In fact, whom we presumed to be an old hag is actually one of the greatest legends still walking the earth, albeit hidden in hermetic seclusion most of the time. This is..."—drum roll—„the Fortuneteller Extraordinaire, Mishima Mai! Seer, matchmaker, bartender, and wedding planner all in one!"

Gai's mouth dropped. Eyes shining with pride, Gai just restrained himself from engaging in overt PDA with his star pupil, allowing only one word of praise to pass his lips before getting down to the business of reinstalling Mishima Mai to her revered place of honor in Konoha. That is, after the Spring time of Youth parade got Mai to wake from her drunken coma.

This was how Jiraiya, Master of Toads and Legendary Sannin, added Fortuneteller Extraordinaire and Crossdresser to his impressive resumè.

**888**

**A/N:** Sorry for the long wait, but I did warn you. Sasuke and Hinata will feature in the next chapter, but unfortunately this is still a WIP. It will definitely come out faster than this one, though. And remember, R&R. And no, silly, that does not mean Rest and Relaxation! Tch!


End file.
